MRIs and doctor appointments are every three months now, and Thursday will be my fifteenth. It’s truly like living quarter to quarter. You would think that after a successful surgery and chemotherapy, life would be pure bliss, but it’s not.
Well, the first month is. After all, the doctor has just said that everything is stable- nothing in the MRI has changed. And I passed my little quiz and physical assessment and all. So the first month is mostly what life was like before brain cancer but with a fresher, more grateful perspective. I get four months of those a year.
Month two is pretty regular. The bliss of being pronounced well has faded, but otherwise all is good. If I had to pick a normal month, this one is the closest.
Month three, however, is a different story. Month three is full of anxiety, symptoms (that go away following the appointment), doubt, fear, et cetera. I get four months of those a year too. I know I should be more optimistic, but one of these days one of those Month Threes is going to end differently. The odds are all for it. And it’s hard. Really hard.
There can come a time when the end of month three takes a detour and the month of bliss doesn’t come, because cancer took its place. That is my fear, and that is likely to be my reality. But when? Tick…tick…tick…
I’m in the last few days of this, my fifteenth Month Three. Holding my breath. Hoping all is well. Going crazy. Reacting quickly. Hoping I can breathe again. (Inhale.) Please let me begin my month of bliss. Thursday afternoon.