The Bittersweet Gift of Life

This may come as a surprise, but surviving brain cancer is bittersweet.

The sweetness is being ALIVE, feeling the LOVE from your favorite people, being able to DO what you love and feared would disappear, and seeing EVEN MORE BEAUTY in the world than you did before!

But the bitter part it is to watch others go through it and not make it. Everyone’s life has value and no one deserves to die from cancer, yet many do. It hurts me to the depth of my soul to see anyone else suffer, but there are even more nightmarish people too.

It hits me the hardist to see young people suffer and die. Not that everyone’s life doesn’t have value, just that I don’t feel that the young people get enough of theirs. Young adults, parents of young ones are a few more examples of lives lost that make me so sad. I don’t feel like I, myself, am ready to die and yet they’re so much younger than me- why them? There is such bitterness to my guilty feelings that I got to keep my life and they didn’t. It’s a heavy load to carry.

I know I should take every day as a gift and live life to the fullest. I try- I really do. But there are SO MANY people dying from cancer that it is hard.  As soon as I begin to relax and enjoy life, I learn of someone else’s diagnosis, and I’m back. It feels like nothing makes sense and is just so crazy, mixed up, random…

A few days ago I learned that a teenager with brain cancer who I follow had a good friend, who also had cancer, just die. Part of the update included a message from the deceased teen’s mom.

She talked about how much he enjoyed life and how he would want everyone to celebrate rather than mourn him, enjoy their surroundings, the world, and each other, “appreciate the life we have,” and how we should all stop and smell the roses on behalf of him.  I wish I could include the post and pictures here so you could feel it in your heart too, but I don’t know them personally and don’t want to reach out and ask as she is celebrating her son’s life, so I hope my words get his spirit and message across.

I read it as how much he enjoyed his life and he told us we should too. I feel like he gave me permission, even a recommendation, to not feel guilty. He took a huge weight off of me- his message said to look at him and smile, he didn’t want his life to be sad. I personally got so much out of it and it’s really helping me.

I am inspired and when I get overwhelmed or even swayed by my negative thoughts, I’ll think of his wisdom. He knows more way than I do. Even as he died, he helped others with his amazing insight: Stop- Smell the roses- Enjoy life- Enjoy each other- Live in the moment!

*Thank you, God, for his time on Earth!