Of course I fear cancer returning its ugly head.
But I am taking this moment, this breath, and acknowledging my gratitude that I’m not there.
I chose to be active in life rather than powerless to cancer.
You Go Where Your Eyes Go
Published by Lahla
I am a brain cancer survivor living life after emergency-mode. I’ve gone through everything you hear about, finding out you have cancer, surgery, treatment, making plans, getting help, being unconscious, and so on. I may refer back to that... Shit, it may COME back to that! But for now, I’d like to talk about life AFTER the emergency mode that brain cancer brings. I’d like to talk about normal, regular, everyday life when part of your brain is gone and the rest takes over. I’d like to talk about normal, regular, everyday life when your perspective changes. I’d like to talk about normal, regular, everyday life when others see you differently and they either get you or they don’t. I’ve spent over three and a half years holding this in, mainly because I didn’t want to be labeled as having brain cancer. Many people fail to understand what that label brings. It’s not the same as denial- think about that. However, after all this time, I realize that holding onto it feels like cancer. I didn’t chose cancer but I had chosen to hold onto what felt like cancer. Not any more. So here it goes. I hope you get something good out of it, my brain cancer freeish, everyday life perspective. View all posts by Lahla
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LahLa - Rubble Blossom and Brain Cancer Freeish 
If we think about cancer as a war to be won – that thought implies a loser, too. None of us who have or had cancer are winners or losers. We are simply conscious beings in a body that has a disease. I find a lot of comfort in that way of addressing the fear that inevitably crops up with metastatic disease.
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I feel like that in my core too. I really liked your recent post about it. Thank you for connecting, sharing, and being you. 🌸
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Well, who else can we be but ourselves? Inauthenticity shows like a nude person in the middle of Times Square. Kind of crazy, looking for attention, and transparent. I appreciate your understanding of the taxonomy of cancer patients and for the mind and body to connect deeply and with meaning I think it’s important to disengage from violent verbiage- it only ties our hands in healing our minds and our bodies.
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You’re right on! I admire how accurate and eloquent you are. Whereas I 100% agree conceptually and strive to be myself, I still fall back on some bad habits sometimes. I need to put your words, “inauthenticity shows like a nude person in the middle of Times Square,” up as a reminder to think before I act so my healing is more consistent. 💖💖💖
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While some people believe in an inauthentic candy coated outer shell, once it rains the sugar melts and you can see what’s really inside. As long as I’m aware of my artifice – bad admittedly when I get dressed each day I dress as I would if I were to go out or stay in, I feel better knowing I look pretty okay on the outside. In this case and especially with terminal illness I have nothing but admiration for “you don’t look sick” over the sympathetic “oh you poor thing” any day. When in a situation like with my husbands ex wife whose commentary with regards to my illness being not as bad as I claim because she knows what she sees – well, things aren’t always what they seem and neither are people – for the good and the not so good either. Bad habits are simply that. One can work on getting out of habits and into new, better habits. The artifice isn’t habitual, it’s usually a form of deeper psychosis. Having a brief time to know one another, I seriously cannot think your habits are a psychological problem, just minor adjustments we all must make as we mature and want to improve our relationship with ourselves as we become more authentically who we are. Healing takes place in those spaces where no one else can see us, but…us.
💜🙏🏻
Ilene
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Thank you, Ilene. I like the “minor adjustment” framework. As I was reading it and thinking about it I relaxed and felt, I guess normal? So much of my struggle has been a mix of not wanting to be defined by cancer which involves not even telling a lot of people and the fact that my abilities have changed. The balance hasn’t been met yet but the minor adjustment approach seems very doable. I always value your insight and thank you for being open and sharing. 🌺🌺🌺
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