So many cancer patients talk about wanting their spouse to find the right person and love again. I love my husband and don’t want him to be unhappy or lonely, so ultimately I want that too, but it’s crippling, nauseating, and heart stopping to think about.
Maybe when I’m knowingly closer to death my perspective will be more open, but right now I want to be the one he loves and I want to be the one who stands by his side. I want to be the one that makes him happy. I want to have fun with him and get through the tough times together. I want to parent with him and raise our kids. I want to be the person he confides in and comes home to. I want to follow our dreams together- Me! I want it to be me! I want to please him! Me!
People don’t talk about that part and that makes it even worse because now I feel bad and guilty. The thing is, healthy couples around my age either haven’t had this even come up or it came up as some emotionally detached life planning talk (“aahh… Til’ Death Do Us Part…” smooch) but that’s not the same as being Brain Cancer Freeish and having to constantly think about it, even be asked by people about it. BCF is KNOWING you’ll die sooner than you should but can involve being very healthy (other than that pesky brain cancer…) and not knowing when. A day? A decade? More? I wrote more about that in, Life by the Quarter
There’s a man in my community whose wife died and he’s now dating seriously. In the time I’ve been in this community, his wife was alive about a year before cancer, found out, had a more-rapid form of cancer, died, some time and mourning, he started dating, and now this woman goes to school events for his kids. I, in my cancer-freeish life, saw glimpses of this. I’m NOT saying he’s doing anything wrong, so please leave that there, I’m just observing this process with my own eyes as a married person likely to die of cancer, and feeling it from my perspective. If you’re not unfortunately there too, can you take a second and put yourself in my shoes? How do you think seeing that feels? If you’re dealing with it better than me, can you share your methods?
It’s not constantly on my mind but I get triggered easily and it sometimes invoke nightmares for me. They don’t treat the new one the same. This guy didn’t always have his arm around his wife. He wasn’t gushing or always looking happy. In my life I want that now, while I’m alive. Why do I have to have cancer AND be a drain on my family? I seriously can’t take the reminders of what’s to come and how it’s so different than what we have to go through.
I want to say again that I know this guy isn’t doing anything wrong but mention it because that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to see. I’m not judging, I’m feeling another bitchslap from cancer.
I tried to search for other blogs on not wanting to think about your spouse remarrying and didn’t find any. Of course I could have used the wrong words or glimpsed at something that actually embedded it. I guess but I doubt it. I think it’s either a shameful feeling to have or maybe I’m the only one, ever.
What do you think? Do you know others who have been through this, or have you?