I’ve hated the changes that have come with a tumor, surgery, and chemotherapy. My memory, wait- what was I talking about? As you can see, my memory is gone. My patience has diminished, my reactions have increased, my stress in exponential, my “tasking” has gone solo, and my self esteem has plummeted. I’m telling you this more than five years later, this is the real deal- swelling isn’t going down, new learning styles have already been mastered, I’ve been thoroughly therapized, and here I am.
I protected myself in a cocoon called denial. Inside my cocoon, none of that was real and I was fine. “I’m fine, how are you?” I’m FINE! I’m fucking FINE!” How are you (big smile)? I started to realize this about a year and a half ago and wrote about it in, Safety Mode’s Bubble, where I think I described the pressure the best:
It all started when I learned my new life expectancy. It actually makes me gag to think about that,” life expectancy.” It’s like putting a sales quota on a person’s life, but getting a discount on their timing. “Be a success, raise your kids, be a superpower in the world, fulfill all your wishes and dreams, make the world a better place, and…uh… hold on… I have a coupon here for thirty years or so off your life…”
You can read the full blog here if you’re interested: lahla.blog/2018/09/20/safety-modes-bubble/
My reaction was denial, “no, I don’t have any problems, I’m perfectly normal,” “I can do that,” ‘yes, I remember,” “I see this very clearly, you fucking hate me, that’s what’s going on…” et cetera… I denied the fact that I had changed and expected other to as well. Unfortunately the denial of what I didn’t want denied me of what I did want, love, peace of mind, trust, stability, comfort.
Once again, I’m underground trying to dig myself out. This time out of consequences of my actions, reactions, and avoidances. Have you heard the phrase, “you can’t save your ass and your face at the same time?” That’s what I need to do- save my ass by not denying the reality that I’m different now. Stop trying to look like who I’m not and be who I am. Who I am is strong, capable, creative. Who I am is loving, funny, determined. Who I am is myself, surrounded by damage, but able and determined to grow. It’s time to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. If they hate on me it’s a much clearer sign than if they like “me” as I fake it.